Two days ago.
Well, I spent the afternoon with my boyfriend… It was quite nice.. We walked to 7/11, we played the piano, we made out, we ate a shitload of food, drank Mountain Dew, ate some pizza when his friend came over, and when we were about to go down to the basement to play Halo 4 (and possible give/ revive a back massage), my parents arrived.
It was all very nice, very sweet, however, it really got me thinking. I was on his iPad as he was on my iPod, I was creeping on his notes (with his permission, of course, right by my side with him creeping on my pictures), I came across a folder with my name on it. I asked him if I could open it, and sorta went for it before he could say anything— hey, he told me I could look through his notes and a file had my name on it, what was I supposed to do?— and it was labeled “Issues”. My heart and stomach dropped thinking of all the shit that could have been in it, but he explained to me when he saw my confused face and he said “oh yeah, that was back when I thought I could be your knight and shining armor and save you from yourself and your thoughts… I’m sorry I couldn’t be your Prince Charming then.”
I actually almost cried right then and there as I read the page. My thoughts were drowned in a sea of “why couldn’t I have acted happy to make him happy?” And “He really likes me! He wanted to help me be happy again!” As the scars on my sides suddenly burned as a reminder of my sadness and confusion. I kissed his dark fluffy hair that smelled of summer, the woods, and the lake as I hid my happiness and confusing arguments.
So I’ve been thinking. I’m pretty much broken, but my boyfriend has so much to live for. He’s intelligent, kind-hearted, humorous, and really REALLY cute (bonus points!). When I was really sad and drunk, I guess I called him and attempted to text him, but spelled every word wrong and made no sense, but just hearing his voice, I remember feeling calmed immediately. It’s weird, actually. When I know he’s in the room or coming back soon, but not actually with me, I get butterflies in my stomach and feel like puking I’m so excited and nervous, but when he’s by my side, when we’re linked by the touch of our hands, the gentle rubbing of his thumb against the side of my hand, the lock of our lips, I can’t help but feel so calm and comfortable… Like the feeling of something just so right and amazing and mind blowing.
I want him to feel that content too. Not just around me, though. I want him to feel that brilliant everyday, even when we’re a few minutes away, a flight of stairs separating, a building, several miles, countries, continents, or worlds apart. I want him to feel content even for a little while. I want him to be a little happier and for a minute at least, I want him to see everything I see in him. Maybe even learn to love himself, because he really should. After a difficult week, I realized just how much he hurts and sometimes I fall in way too deep into my holes in the sidewalk of depression, that I can’t imagine that someone who I care so much about can be hurting as much as I do. I don’t want him to feel so hurt anymore. I want him to see himself the way I see him— the next to perfect Prince Charming who comes to sweep me off my feet and blows me away without trying.
He really helped me get through some hard shit, and now, I need to play my role of his girlfriend the best that I can and be there for him, and if I’m lucky, become the little angel that can maybe save him from himself and his thoughts, even if it’s just for a little while. I want to be the reason that he can put down the blades and drugs, and remember to remember how much I love and care about him, and that I don’t want him to hurt any more. I want to help him so badly, I just need to figure out how I can do so.