Distraught Thoughts

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One of the reasons why I have started to avoid this site is because it makes me feel like shit every time I go on it. Memories flood back to me and I get really concerned about not doing anything right. Then I get really fucking depressed thinking that I could be loving someone who has feelings for another. Then I see this chick who’s fucking 18 who is all like “oh I’m 95 pounds! I’m so fat! Oh my god!” We’ll you know what? FUCK YOU. If you were fucking dead, I couldn’t be happier. I go on Tumblr to get my feelings and stuff out and suddenly I’m in the bathroom again, forcing myself to be under 95 pounds again. I said I was going to try to not have any opinion about her, but fuck it. I actually really despise her. I know I’ll never be pretty enough to please a guy, and I know I should try harder to be a better person, but it’s so hard when some chick who’s prettier and smarter and funnier and more liked and just a fucking better person than you are comes out and disses herself for compliments! Fuck bitches who do that. FUCK THEM. I have had it with cunts who do that and yet, they get the attention from other guys that they don’t fucking swear rev because they’re fucking cunts. If I’m not in school this next week, it’s because I finally had it with these bitches and I’ll then just be a fucking memory of hell. My life is fucking worthless and I wish that someone could make me not feel like that, but the thing is I do. I really do every fucking day drags on and I feel even more pathetic. Goddammit I WISH I NEVER EXSISTED AND I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD AND I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE TO BREAK MY OWN HEART EVERY FUCKING TIME I THINK!

mailorderwife:

It’s really cute when boys talk about their fears bc it makes them vulnerable and easier to destroy

(via a-study-in-butts)

Two days ago.
Well, I spent the afternoon with my boyfriend… It was quite nice.. We walked to 7/11, we played the piano, we made out, we ate a shitload of food, drank Mountain Dew, ate some pizza when his friend came over, and when we were about to go down to the basement to play Halo 4 (and possible give/ revive a back massage), my parents arrived.
It was all very nice, very sweet, however, it really got me thinking. I was on his iPad as he was on my iPod, I was creeping on his notes (with his permission, of course, right by my side with him creeping on my pictures), I came across a folder with my name on it. I asked him if I could open it, and sorta went for it before he could say anything— hey, he told me I could look through his notes and a file had my name on it, what was I supposed to do?— and it was labeled “Issues”. My heart and stomach dropped thinking of all the shit that could have been in it, but he explained to me when he saw my confused face and he said “oh yeah, that was back when I thought I could be your knight and shining armor and save you from yourself and your thoughts… I’m sorry I couldn’t be your Prince Charming then.”
I actually almost cried right then and there as I read the page. My thoughts were drowned in a sea of “why couldn’t I have acted happy to make him happy?” And “He really likes me! He wanted to help me be happy again!” As the scars on my sides suddenly burned as a reminder of my sadness and confusion. I kissed his dark fluffy hair that smelled of summer, the woods, and the lake as I hid my happiness and confusing arguments.
So I’ve been thinking. I’m pretty much broken, but my boyfriend has so much to live for. He’s intelligent, kind-hearted, humorous, and really REALLY cute (bonus points!). When I was really sad and drunk, I guess I called him and attempted to text him, but spelled every word wrong and made no sense, but just hearing his voice, I remember feeling calmed immediately. It’s weird, actually. When I know he’s in the room or coming back soon, but not actually with me, I get butterflies in my stomach and feel like puking I’m so excited and nervous, but when he’s by my side, when we’re linked by the touch of our hands, the gentle rubbing of his thumb against the side of my hand, the lock of our lips, I can’t help but feel so calm and comfortable… Like the feeling of something just so right and amazing and mind blowing.
I want him to feel that content too. Not just around me, though. I want him to feel that brilliant everyday, even when we’re a few minutes away, a flight of stairs separating, a building, several miles, countries, continents, or worlds apart. I want him to feel content even for a little while. I want him to be a little happier and for a minute at least, I want him to see everything I see in him. Maybe even learn to love himself, because he really should. After a difficult week, I realized just how much he hurts and sometimes I fall in way too deep into my holes in the sidewalk of depression, that I can’t imagine that someone who I care so much about can be hurting as much as I do. I don’t want him to feel so hurt anymore. I want him to see himself the way I see him— the next to perfect Prince Charming who comes to sweep me off my feet and blows me away without trying.
He really helped me get through some hard shit, and now, I need to play my role of his girlfriend the best that I can and be there for him, and if I’m lucky, become the little angel that can maybe save him from himself and his thoughts, even if it’s just for a little while. I want to be the reason that he can put down the blades and drugs, and remember to remember how much I love and care about him, and that I don’t want him to hurt any more. I want to help him so badly, I just need to figure out how I can do so.

I judt have all these feelings and today I’m like nope, getting drunk and not guigeinfg a fuck. I know I saud  I wouldn’t but I have to becuasndene I um just so sadbh unside and I have to escape somehow nad if my boyfriends got the power of the drugs and cutting and anitdepressaints snd a magical eight inschmn dick,. Them why can’t I have some vodckiaa? It tastes pereteety yu[mmy to me? But I’m kinda crying no w and Ii love MAH TTUbmBlEreE! WeWeEeEeEeEeEEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEerREREerER caps are fun to fuck with…. My boyfriend is all so fun to fuck with, but not like have full on sex, be cause we don’t do that. We just kiddd and makeout and I hjebgdbe him blowjobs and he’s got one yummy dick when he isn’t a fucking smoking a what the heck is that and if you drink pinapple juice, it make yoru jizz taste like rainbows, or that ‘s what the chicks in the nut hut told me… nut hut… hahahahahhahahah nut hut but wut lol wut? I kindan really hate my life. I’ve been talking to my boyfriend’s best friends whos all like “josh dthinks cocaine is fine iand anaings and thres no harm and I ‘m sall lilke :jhkdhlashwhat are you doijbg bicth? Thics is mah house and cocaine is a serious rpoblkem today and I’m sacerded for you but you don’t really give two fucks, now do you? And he’s all like ‘lol no of course I don’t “ except I din’t evern know whate  jeh thinks ddnyehorea because he always smells and taste like smoke and that brings back bad memenornrrns and that make snadne sad and I cry and die inside but he deosn’t understand me dfeels all inside of my APPLES AND DEATH AND WONDERFUL WONDERFUL CHAINFLAMES! Hahahahahahaahahahahahahahaahahaha I:m crying mys efl aout  he way thaose peop,e cry themselves to seleeps and I would know because I do it every kindgahdt san sand tastes ilieksadn. I loek feel shit and want ti go and cry in a hole and die to crysleep forod stomach noese eyes moahdusdhslkd. Mooooooshhhhhhhhhhh moshomoshomhsoohsomnhshosmhsomshsomshosmRAVE PART TIME! Hahaahha nope… I’m a ninja at acting like I’m happy wwne Im not and I have to get mah feels out in one wyasd or the nextg. This dis getting to be one of those strange fdrkniubg rasdnts and I don’t know what do say anythinmores o I think I’m just going to call my exboyfriend and telling that I think t eh wasb a meanie panst and them maybe I should yello nadhy cansy canes nsdkjdsadj I beusde I beus ei besceiesa I can and I can go and pink all over the floor like a riandowb flavored bilbomcswagger and I want to sleeeeeppp and I cant be asdh I caneh I haen hoen e worke to do AW SHIET oii gots the homeworsds to do@ sinibbiii!!@#$((^*&^*&^*^*&^*^*%^^$%#Y%$#%#*##(#$(#$ yaaayyyy sympbopr,s. bye pandas